My picnic was complete success. Well in my eyes, at least. I hope those who attended enjoyed themselves as well :) Seeing as it’s already 6:10 & I have yet to start my homework & I don’t really have anything to—well no. Thats not entirely true. I do have some things to say but I’ll save for tonight when I have nothing else to do.
Something that I most likely have been curse with.
So today was good. My sister is finally talking to me again. WOO! I finished all my reading logs & if I do say so myself, they are pretty dang good. I actually wanted to do them. Weird? & tomorrow is my picnic! I’m super excited! I have to wake up extra EXTRA early though. I need to shower & prepare the fruit salad. With the help of my mama, though. I love her. I hope it goes according to plan!
OH! Its my cousin Helen’s birthday tomorrow! Happy early birthday Cuuhh. Seeing as its 15 mintues until, might as well say it now. 15 more minutes ‘till your 15 Helen. How exciting!
5 random things off the top of my head in 5 seconds. GO:
I love this song.
Tomorrow will be really fun.
AHH! My back!
Food sound real good right now.
That’s it for now, dawgs. Oh! [again] before I go to bed, I want you all to go out and read “Tuesday’s with Morrie” by Mitch Albom..NOW. Its a must before you die. I know I’ve recommended it before but I felt compelled to remind you.If you’ve already read it, please disregard that last sentence & lets talk. We can discuss all of the wonderful point made by that amazing man.
You’re way out of my league. But I guess that’s okay. You’ll never know how I feel. You’ll never know how halarious I think you are. You’ll never know how amazingly handsome I think you are. You’ll never know how interesting I think you are. You’ll never know that I’m talking about you. You’ll never know what we could’ve been. & you, most likely, will never read this.
JOHN’S INCREDIBLE PIZZA. It has bumper cars, a bowling alley, a spinny ride & great food. I completely, 100% recommend that place as your next choice in dining out. $10 dollars a plate, but its unlimited & that price is more than good. You’ll see what I’m talkin’ about when you go ;]
So today was productive..for me at least. My sister was being more than unhelpful to us as we were trying to find a dress for my brothers wedding. My gosh, I don’t know what has gotten in to her lately. Well..I do, but in my opinion, she is acting completely preposterous. Her behavior is unacceptable & quite frankly..very hurtful to me. I feel like she hates me now. Ever since Wednesday. I was happy for her but she shunned me away. I want her to trust me. What did I do wrong? I’m trying here. She’s the one not bringing forth her effort. To my understanding, this all has to do with our childhood & all the mistakes I’VE made growing up involving my siblings. But the past is the past right. I’ve apologized & I still am but showing it in my actions. What more does she want from me?!
Its like I’ve fallen of the face of the earth to her. She barely, if any, acknowledges my existence. Well, that might be a tad over dramatic, well—no. It’s not actually. Pretty sad huh? I pray with all my might that my God mends the brokenness in our relationship. Cause seriously, her attitude is getting old. & I’m sick & tired of her manipulating me & treating me like crap even though I try so hard for her. & I’m sure my mother is to.
Lorena; do it for our relationship. If not, do it for mom.
Remember when getting high meant competing with that little girl or boy on the swings at the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet when you went on a bike ride? When the worst things you could get from girls or boys were cooties? When dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. The only drug you knew was that disgusting cherry flavored cough medicine. The only time a boy would tell you he didn’t want to see you was when you were playing hide and seek. The only things that hurt you were skinned knees. & goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And to think…we couldn’t wait to grow up.
It amazes me how an almost insignificant person, can make you feel smaller than an ant in a shrink ray. Maybe it’s because you, so badly, want to get to know them, & they basically reject your hand in friendship. Or maybe because your jealous of their friendship with another. Or MAYBE because you’ve grown fond of the way that ’insinigicant’ person treats your friend, & you yearn for a friendship such as that You yearn for that love and affection they give to them. You say to yourself, “Why don’t I have a friendship like that?” & you begin to feel this strange ugly feeling rising in the pits of your stomach. It’s called jealousy. But, you see, jealousy is a VERY ugly thing. Which everyone should stay as far away from as they can!
Thank you captain obvious..
& sometimes, you allow it to consume you until there’s no more of you left. All that’s inside you is that little green devil telling you all these lies & filling your brain with all these negative thoughts. Everyone feels jealous at times, so don’t sit there and think, “What is this chick talking about, I never get jealous!” Cause thats a big fat lie. But the saddest part is its so hard to break free from the clutches of that green-eye’d monster. No one likes to feel jealous. It fills you with hatred & guilt all at the same time. You heart&mind can only have control of so many emotions. & when they can’t take anymore, those emotions run off to your impulse. You begin to act off of these little beast feelings and I can assure you, your acts would not be justified as “nice” or “saint-like”. You end up hurting innoccent people. Now, no one wants that..right?
Great, am I babbl—I’m babbling again. Typically me. Alright well, its way past my bed time. [HA! Bedtime. Who’s ever heard of such a term?] & I best be on my way. Night, fella’s.
WHY do I let the smallest things get to me? Like..really? It’s lame. That’s what it is. L-A-M-E laaaaaaaammmmmeeeeeee.
& why do I wanna be your friend even though I ‘ve never met you? Can’t I just say “Hi, I’m Barbara!” Oh wait—I already have. & nothing! No reply or even acknowlegdement that even recieved it. But you know what, I shouldn’t even care. I’VE NEVER MET YOU! But I could re introduce myself? But isn’t that pushy&annyoing!? Well..not really cause I’VE NEVER MET YOU. &..why am I making this such a huge deal? But its not a huge deal really.
So, I’ve decided, as of of right now, I’m happy. I feel like there’s nothing preventing me from being just that anymore. I love who I am, but more importanly I’m excited for where I’m heading.
For some reason, I just feel like..life couldn’t be better. I don’t feel emotionally attached to any guy (meaning, I don’t like anyone.) & I’m over it. Relationships. Guys. It’s all so..overrated. & if God wants me to be with someone, he’ll make it so. But, obviously, that’s not the case at this time in my life & guess what? I’m completley & unexplainably happy about that. He guiding my down paths I didn’t even know exsisted. & right now, at this VERY moment, I feel like He’s stand right next me. Watch type this. He’s putting the words&thought directly into my mind. I don’t really know how I’ll feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I all I do know is that He’s with me. & its so beautifully overwhelming that I can hardly contain myself. “I strive to be more christian-like in all that I do.” I feel lighter than air right now & I don’t know what provoked this amazing feeling but I’m happy to annouce that..I’m back. Now, its not the feeling that I would go and tell my friends about. Or even get super excited over. Its not a life changing moment or anything, but the feeling I’m feeling is simply..happy. And to be honest, that’s all I ever really wanted. I need to stop looking for the “God” moments & let Him send them to me when he feels like I need them.
I’m not super skinny, & I’m not super tall. I don’t have a nice house, or the nicest clothes, but guess what? I love what I am, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t need all that fancy shmancy stuff anyways.. I honestly wouldn’t know what I would do with it all!
So, to sum it all up..I’m happy. & nothing, I mean NOTHING, is going to ruin that.
Ps. Christina, things WILL be okay. I’ll be praying for you. & remember, if worst comes to worst, keep your head held high. God’s going to protect you<3
Haha. Jeff & Christina’s inspired me to make a list of my own.
I think your the most beautiful, strongest person I know. You are my main squeeze. I love you, & I hope you know that I go to you for everything. You’ve showed me the ropes of life. Taught me all you know & I really couldn’t ask for a better mother.
You annoy me sometimes, & you complain alot but I love you to pieces. I’m glad we ended up not hating each other >:]
I wish I was your age. You don’t have a care in the world.
You are the coolest, cutest kid I have never met.
I can be my COMPLETE self around you. & its only been half a year that we’ve been super close. & we’re STILL getting closer.
Please don’t flirt with me kid. Unless your intentions are good. & your not just doing the same thing to the next girl.
I’m sorry I neglect you. We use to do so much together but that sorta faded as we got older. Just know that I love you. More than you know. & we’ll always be “Get Smart” fans.
You make the biggest deal out of the littlest things. Secretly, I think you like the drama.
I really really really really hope now, with what happened and all, you can move on. Forgive & forget. Yes, forgive. & live your life. & be happy for once.
I miss spending my afternoons in your room just talking to your fishes & watching movies.
I like you but..its alright If you don’t feel the same.
I so deprately want you to know the Lord like you use to.
She doesn’t trust me, & we’re blood.
I think your the most adorable freshman. You don’t know it, but I love you :)
You are the most insensitve jerk I know.
B.J.K.A. ‘Nuff said.
I really wish that you had never met her.
Thanks for caring when he was being a jerk in class.
This is the end of a lousy friendship. Goodbye & good riddens.
Show me you love me little more plz. Thanks Al.
I’m getting my industrial, & you will not killl yourself! Haha.
I’m gonna miss you alot when you move to tokyo.
Your the best cousin a girl could ask for.
I am so proud of how far you’ve gotten. If you can do it, so can I.
You left me the night I needed you the most. I forgive you, but no matter how hard you try or I try, It will never be the same.
Underneath, your a really sweet guy. You just need to mature up. Haha.
I’m so glad God blessed me with such a wonderful woman. We need to catch up. Grab a cup of coffee or something. I miss you, teach.
I’ve always wanted to be your friend, but I’m to scared that you don’t want to be mine so I just don’t make that much of an effort anymore.
You two neeed to just..get over it. No matter how much you try & find excuses for your problems, you’re the source of them. Its called trust guys. I’d suggest you go and find some.
Please go watch that movie. Its a little..unorthodox, & it may be somewhat inappropriate but, you might learn something from it. Its just..an amazing movie. I was kind of, you know, unsure when I first put the disc in, but it turned out to be one of my favorite movies ever.
Your not alone. You think you but you don’t give the people around enough credit. I’ve tried to get things out of you cause I know you hold so much in. I want you to have a bestfriend too. I want you to have someone to do everything with. I love you alot. & I want you to be happy. You probably underestimate how much I care for you. I may not show it like I should but that’s only because I haven’t exactly been up to par, lately, either. [But I’m getting back to normal!]
You just need to put yourself out there more. Stop doubting yourself. Don’t rely on other peoples’ thoughts and opinions. Do what you want to do. But most importantly, listen to what God is telling you & has been telling you for the past 16 years you’ve been here on the planet. Forget about all your insecurities & fears. God made YOU. He made you just the way you are. You are beautiful, unique, have a great sense of style. & the list goes on, but you need to give yourself more credit so you can see what I see. I see somebody that could be great. You have wonderful opinions and idea. Just put them out there more & don’t be afraid if you think people think they’re stupid. Be confident in your decisions.
But also, I think your scared to let people in because you scared that if you finally do they’ll leave you there, in the dust. Left with unanswered questions & infinished statement. I have some trust issues too, so your not alone on that one.
I love you Kayley. Talk to me if you need to. & I don’t even know if you’ll read this cause I don’t know how often you sign on to tumblr. But I just felt compelled to write this. & I’m sorry If I everything I said was wrong, but thats just how I see things.
God has been testing me. & I’ve been failing every one. All the little comments & struggles he has, recently, been having me face were all little tests. As I would like to call them. & I’ve been letting them get to me. I’ve been letting him down. He’s suppose to be the sole purpose for my living & lately..that hasn’t been the case :/
Since today..OFFICIALLY, I am going to be a better person. A happier person. A mentally healthier person. My body isn’t up to par yet. I’m still performing inadequately at practice, but I’m getting there. Doctors appointment on Friday. So that should do SOMETHING. & if I begin to act..out of wak again, please please please let me know. Remind me why I’m living & breathing. Remind me that I was blessed with a voice & a fully functional mind. & remind me to use it. Haha, thanks.
So today was pack jammed with testing & agrivation. Something that, I’m sure, no one is very fond of. & on account of all that, I’m drained. & my foots asleep. I need to shower & start my nightly routine. Until next time, good ol’ chums,
Well..honestly..I just don’t want to go to bed yet. I can’t sleep. I think I have a sleeping disorder. I think my brain just never turns off. I think that one day its just going to..to..EXPLODE. Oh my gosh, I’m a freak of nature. The girl who never sleeps. Hmm..I kinda like that.
But even the freaks have to sleep sometimes. I wish I didn’t have a computer sometimes. Bahahah <—-Just for Kimberly.
5 things that pop in to my head in 10 seconds:
Fairytale by Taylor Swift is thee dumbest song of the century.
Christina just texted me.
My sister breathes real loud.
The light is on in the hallway..why?
Tumble dry the clothes lassie!
Thanks for tuning in. This has been The LateNite Blog with yours truly, Barbara Isaac.
So, I’ve been told by a very dear friend of mine that I tend to be bossy sometimes. I really hope I don’t come off that way all the time though. I think its just cause I’m really sarastic, but I guess..I’m worse at that then I thought I was. My sincerest apologizes go out to you If I’ve been “bossy” to you. I pray that you don’t get the wrong impression though. I just like to joke around alot.
I’ll watch myself from now on though. I promise.
I’m REALLY trying to improve on my inner-self. I want to stop over anyalyizing every little thing. I want to let go of this. I want to love myself. I want to be that confident happy girl I once was. I want to dance in the middle of the halls walking to class. I want to sing so loud that your ear drums pop. I want to laugh so hard that I have to pee. So guess what? That’s exactly whats going to happen. Say goodbye to this me, & hello to the old/new me. I just need to have more reality checks I guess. Thanks Raeanna.
I really love that girl. Did you know that. I prolly don’t let her know that as often as I should. Or maybe I do. Whatever. The point is, she’s amazing. Oh Gianna says hi.<3 I love her too.
I only have like second left on this computer, so until next time,
I refuse to let something this insignificant ruin the way I live my life. It hurts. It sucks. I don’t really understand. But I’m going to have to if I want it to go away. I need to come to terms with the situation. The sad part is that I thought I already had.
I’m not really sure where I intend for this entry to go, but I felt compelled to express my thoughts about this.
Change. Its different. Its scary. But mostly..its hard. You don’t wanna let go of something cause you have that little hope that it’ll come back or come together. You let go of something you think isn’t worth your time anymore when, in retrospect, may have been the best thing that ever happened to you. You just didn’t expect it to come in that form. Some people hate change. Some embrace it. Some people avoid change. Some people gladly answer when it knocks at their door. Obviously there are two ways to go about change. But either way, its inevitable. So might as well answer the door gladly & with an open mind right? Although, I do wish I practiced what I preached. Its just with my opinions & ideas & feelings & stances, I tend to be very fickle. Change is good. No, change is bad. I really think, though, that it depends on the way you look at it. Many things change. Feelings. People. Plans. Ideas. Choices. You have no control over if, when & how they change. But you DO have control over the way you decide to look at it. Are you going to kindly say “Bring it on change; I’m ready.” or “No. Go away. I want to remain solitary & live in boredom for the rest of my life.” Change is scary, but..that’s part of the fun. Change is different, but..that’s part of the fun. Change..is hard, but..again, that’s part of this fun. Go ahead, challenge yourself for once. See what your actually capable of.
Like I said, didn’t know where this was going. & I probably left off in bad spot. But, I guess, I really don’t have anything else to add. So I suppose, this, what I’ve left here, will suffice.
Christina Ramirez that is. She is somethin’ else, lemme tell yah. She’s loud. & funny, & full of life. Its hard to miss her when your walking down the halls, thats for sure(;
Our friendship emerged of nowhere. Just kidding. No it didn’t. HAHA. I’ve know her since 7th or 8th grade, & yet I have no recollection of how we even met! [True friends right there, huh? HAHA, again] Anyways, I’m glad I met her. I’m glad were friends. But more importantly, I’m glad our friendship is growing. & its growing rapidly, might I add. We laugh. We cry. We sing. We interpretive dance. We randomly scream in each others faces. We change our voices. We make ugly faces. We sleep on her bed full of crap. Basically we do alot of stuff. I tell her when she matches & she replies “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BARBIE? NO I DON’T! Haha. I love her. I really do. Her happy perkiness always puts a smile on my face. She’s beautiful. [I wouldn’t lie to you, babe] & anyone who tells her otherwise..well they’re blind&stupid.
Christina: Continue to channel that inner beauty that radiates off of you every single day. People can see that & they love that most about you. I know I do.
I’ve gained her trust & she’s gained mine in only a matter of months. Amazing, isn’t it. & the best part is I know she won’t judge me. & she takes my side..even when I’m wrong. & she knows I’d do the same for her. She listens to me ramble on & on about stupid stuff. & she continues the conversation. No boring moments with this little lady!
To sum it all up, she looks like quail, has an ugly tail, & she epic-ly fails..AT LIFE.
I was stronger than I appear. I wish people wouldn’t change. I wish boys weren’t so blind. I wish girls weren’t so blind. I wish I could read peoples’ minds. I wish people meant what they said. I wish I wasn’t such a drama queen. I wish you could see what a jerk you’ve been lately. I wish she would take my side for once..even if I was wrong. I wish my brain wasn’t so damn complicated. I wish they could see all the pain they inflict on people. I wish kids in africa didn’t have to starve every night. I wish you would just..talk to me like you use to. I wish I got more sleep. I wish she would give me a chance to help her. I wish I could FIND the chance to to help her. I wish I would get off tumblr & just go shower. I wish she never met her. I wish I could just stay home all night tonight. I wish I would let people in more. I wish people would just listen to me. I wish I would just listen to people. I wish I knew what went wrong. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I’d cleam my room more often. I wish I could control my feelings. I wish she would stop being fake & be there for us again. I wish I liked my body more than I do now. I wish I had higher self esteem. I wish you knew how I felt. I wish I didn’t want wish for things
but hey, we don’t always get what we want now do we.
"C’mon Get Higher" Matt Nathanson. Push play & pay attention. It makes understanding this blog so much easier.
Now, before I proceed, I would like to say that this is simply what I feel. Nothing more. Nothing less. Please do not miscontrue my intentions of this entry.
So, everytime this song plays on my ipod, it reminds me of a certain person. I don’t know if you know who I’m talking about but, quite frankly, I don’t really care if you know so I’m just going to say it. Raistlin Grant Hale. Everytime I hear this song, all of our old memories just come flooding back. I get lost in my thoughts & just think back. We had some really beautiful times. It was a great 11 months. He showed me love. Happiness. All that mushy gushy stuff, you know :P It was cool. Raistlin: I’m sorry we didn’t really end things on good terms. I really am. I wish we could’ve talked about it more so that maybe we’d be good friends still. But whats done is done. & i’m really hoping our friendship will just grow from this point.
Although I did love him very much, I have no intentions of getting back together with him. He was a great boyfriend, but we just weren’t meant to be. But I know God put him in my life for a reason. So thanks God.
I really don’t care what anyone thinks about this. I’m sorry if people think I’m a horrible person, & I shouldn’t have hurt him. But just know I never wanted to. Please don’t start with all your assuptions. This is all I needed to say & all I’ve always wanted to say but never had the heart until now.
So to conclude this entry, I’d, basically, like to say thanks Raistlin. & if your actually reading this, I’m sorry if this makes things weird for you, it just had to be said.!
Why, in the period of my life, my supposed “prime years”, does it choose to be completely stupid? I’ve been feeling uber weak lately. Like its gotten to the point where I’m to..just..ughh to even respond to someone.
Today was good though, I felt fine. Or..so I thought.
I haven’t been running, right? Do to the fact that I’ve been abnormally weak. & so today I decided, Hey, why not? So I did the warm up but by Ontario park, I felt as if my legs were pulled right out from under me. It was hard to even walk! I mean I could but it felt weird. So when we arrived at the base of border, (Kroonen? Workout; hill repeats) I sat out. Again. & its so frustration to watch all your fellow teammates running & working their butts off. Practically suffering! & your just sitting there. I couldn’t even bare to look at them. I felt to guilty for having to sit out. It semi-infuriated me. (It was really cold too.) Gardner drove Bree & me back & we just sat waiting for practice to get out. I ended up finding my way over to Christina, who was accompanied by Julian, Jonathan, & Marcos.
Christina, Julian, Jonathan & I ended up staying like 30 minutes after practice, without realizing it, just talking about non-sense. & crap. (It was really cold too.) but I guess that made up for temporarily possessing the inablitiy to run today :|
So, to conclude this blog, I would like to add the aside from the fact that my body is being pretty gay, & that my life couldn’t be more unorganized, I’m doing good. Just taking it day by day. Going with the flow. & I honestly think that God has been there next to me carrying me through everything. I don’t feel as close to him as I once was but I’m getting back to the spot. & I know he hasn’t left my side. If anything, he’s been pushing me to become closer with him. Showing me little signs & changes within myself. I love Him :)
Basically, I woke up 12 & I have been on the computer ever since. & what time is it now? 6:41 pm. I think this is the most time I’ve ever spent on a computer in one sitting. Its insanity I tell you! Of course I’ve been doing a variety of things:
and now, my drivers test. I’m almost done but I simply cannot stay focused on tthat non-sense any longer.
DANG IT. I missed 7 & I’m only allowed 8 missed questions. This infuriates me majorly. I have to continue studying. Ugh.
ps. here are some of my older blogs on a different web site. Just sayin’.
Isn’t it horrible when you misconstrue someones intentions or feelings or when they misconstrue yours? Let me answer that for you; YES.
I mean, what if one was simply wanted to state something very simple, such as their missing an old friend or stating that they feel adult like. That’s the problem with blogging or texting. To impersonal. Waay to impersonal. So when someone reads into it they get the wrong idea. Totally wrong idea. They become infatuated with their own reasoning about the statement, that they don’t even consider the truth or honest feelings behind it. They become over dramatic & begin to victimize themselves over something that is not even about them. Or begin to make it a bigger deal than it was intended. This is why physical communication is so important. Its the only way to get your really intention across. But..this, for some people, is also the harder way to communicate. Sometimes its hard for me too. But Its better to be up front with someone about things rather than have them think something totally different. Which is probably worse thatn it actually is!
It makes people miserable over nothing. Which really..really sucks.
How one could seem SO CLOSE to someone, yet it seems like they couldn’t be farther. How your feelings or emotions for something or someone can get in the way of things that use to be important. How love is suppose to be the greatest most incredible experience in the world, yet most people never truely get the chance to find it..
How are we suppose to deal with all our little hearts’ aches & pains? The key is: detachment. I learned this little trick in a book I read. Tuesday’s With Morrie by Mitch Albom. Read it. This book is practically filled with everything you need to know about everything. Life. Death. Love. Marriage. Money. Its simple but somethings, in cases like that, you have to read between the lines.
Anyways, detachment. Basically, its this. You allow yourself to feel remorse for yourself or sadness, or rejection or what ever it is your feeling for a little while. You are entitled to your emotions, after all. Then once you’ve gotten a good feel of what it is, tell your self “Okay, this is rejection. I know what it feels like so now I can detach from it. I don’t need this emotion anymore.” Since you already know what that sadness feels like, it makes it all the more easier to step away. It works everytime. Only if you believe it will, of course. & hey, if that all sounds stupid & you don’t believe it would work, then fine. But we all have to believe in something sometime. Its probably the only thing that keeps us sane.
The first little bit really had nothing to do with anything, then again, this whole post was about nothing nearly remotely close to what I was trying to accomplish but whatever. It was on my mind. & this is suppose to be whats on my mind right?
Due to the fact that my old blog’s link no longer is in working order, I’ve decided to make a tumblr. Mhm. I plan on this being something essential in everyone’s lives. Sort of like a life experience colum in a newspaper or something. My life isn’t grand or tragic. Its just a life. But I hope the tales, & the stories & the emotions & the ups & the downs & heartaches & the happiness & everything in between will be something you or anyone can relate to. So they could say: