You know whats fucking scary? The fact that I could literally change my life at any moment. I could stop talking to everyone that makes me unhappy. I could kiss whoever i want. I could shave my head or get on a plane or take my own life. Nothing is stopping me. The entire world is in my hands, and I have no idea what to do with it.
This has been said before many times, Im sure of it. Like in all the classic movies that make you re-evaluate your life because things happen in this movie that you wish could happen to you. Maybe not in these words but I guess for some reason on this January midnight at 12:06 am, I realized it. Life and the things that happen in it all depends on where you decide to invest your commitments and passions and time and money. It all depends on WHERE you invest it. I waste so much on things that dont even really matter, and mope because I look at pictures of peoples lives on tumblr, insta, fb…all these stupid social media sites and their lives, the world..every one of those things look tre tre dope. And I could be doing those things as well but im just not investing my time, efforts, and even money in those things. I dont know why Im not, I guess I like wasting time. But I dont like wasting time. Im just going to go with it. And I know I let myself get discouraged by my friends because they dont think like me. Even some of my best friends. And thats hard. Because although they are supportive and awesome, they dont want the sames things that I do. I dont blame them for that at all, obviously. I want them to want what they want, but I guess Im realizing that, for someone who has always prided herself in being independent and being okay with going it alone, I dont want to feel alone on this. In my dream or adventure that is my life. And no one does right? Its nice to meet someone who wants the sames things you do. To push you to do what you want and help you not be afraid of doing it. But not in a “C’mon barbs, go out and grab it and see those trees! and I’ll watch you, and like your pics on insta” kind of way. More in a “okay lets go, we’ll leave in the morning. oh and dont forget your camera” kinda of way. I want to wake up at 4 in the morning in some weird beautiful place because it was kind of cold and I couldn’t stay asleep. I want to hang out with the people I met on the bus in this sweet town that I’ve never been to before but they have so they know all the cool spots. And explore crazy scary caves and mountains with my hair not having been washed in a couple days. Not in a hippie-I-want-to-stop-bathing way but in a I’ve-been-so-busy-discovering-who-I-really-am kind of way. (I think that will only make sense to me. But that’s okay because I dont want to live my life having to try and please everyone or explain myself to everyone. I do that a lot.) I just cant explain it in a way that doesn’t sound cliche or repetitive but I want to live such an extraordinary life. And I want to want to live it for Jesus. And with Jesus. And like Jesus too. I dont want that right now. I want to make my own moves. Im in that spot right now. But I want it to be for Him. So I’ll figure that out. This started out as a simple little baby post because I had one little thought on my mind, and it escalated. That happens with me. But im glad it does, so now, I can go back and read this someday.